It is so easy to deflect situations when you don’t want to deal with the consequences. There have been moments in my day home that I have had to address unsavory behavior with children. Before I attempt to involve the parent I always try to rectify the problem, ensuring I have already attempted a few resolutions. However there are moments that escalate to a degree requiring parental involvement.
The majority of parents eagerly help in finding a positive way to change the negative behavior. Not many parents want their child to be excluded from future activities due to unruly behavior. But, then there are the “Not my child” Parents. Instead of trusting that my staff and I have already attempted many different versions of correcting the behavior, they blame something or someone else. Some prime examples are:
- He is definitely teething so that’s why he keeps biting other children
- She had a terrible sleep last night, so she is just grumpy
- Are you sure it wasn’t the other child, he never does this at home
- Did you give enough warnings?
- Kids will be kids
- I am sure he didn’t mean to do that
- Did she eat enough lunch, she may just be “hangry”
There are many reasons why a parent would rather give excuses, including wanting to be perceived as a ‘friend’ by their child. Constantly trying to keep our children happy is a disservice to them, and seeking the child’s approval is tilting the scale in an undesirable way. Should a parent take on this role, you could unintentionally destroy their future by not addressing wrongdoings, and misdeeds. Children thrive on boundaries, they seek these limits by pushing the limits. Safety and trust that is developed by setting boundaries/rules helps give a child assurance, and alleviates anxiety. Children will continue to act out as they continue to distinguish right from wrong. If a child continues to act out without consequences, the misbehavior will continue to escalate. Excuses instead of addressing the issue increases the risk that the child may become unsafe towards other people, as well as themselves.
Skewing the lines between right and wrong creates anxiety. Giving excuses for their behavior, you are teaching your child to blame something or someone else for their situation. When the moral compass dips, misconduct becomes intensified. When parents/adults don’t take the time to work together the child learns how to pit people against each other.
Adults need to stop worrying about being the ‘bad cop’, and work on enforcing fundamental rules and limits in a firm but gentle manner. Have honest conversations with your child about behavioral issues. Find out if there is other reasons they are lashing out. Remembering the deed does not go unpunished, but with further understanding you can help your child develop better coping skills to handle future altercations better. Never be scared to seek professional help, especially if your child’s behavior is due to external factors, or if they are experiencing mental health issues/addiction, or learning disabilities.
In my daycare there has been moments that I have had to give parents an ultimatum. Either they help with reinforcing the rules set forth in the daycare at home, or we need to discuss parting ways. Physical violence, malicious/destructive behavior always has it’s consequences. With firm but loving guidance, parents and myself have found success in correcting most undesirable behavior. A united front helps offset anxiety, teaches a child to trust, and feel safe in their environment.
It is always in the parent’s and the child’s best interest to address any behavioral issue brought up by their peers and or other caregivers. A harmonious and united coalition sets the best most positive front. Anxieties in children can be diminished just by addressing set boundaries in childcare settings/classroom, and home. You are your child’s parent first, their friend second.