Daycare Lady, Author at Memoirs of a Daycare Lady

Not my child

Love the child, hate the behavior

It is so easy to deflect situations when you don’t want to deal with the consequences. There have been moments in my day home that I have had to address unsavory behavior with children. Before I attempt to involve the parent I always try to rectify the problem, ensuring I have already attempted a few resolutions. However there are moments that escalate to a degree requiring parental involvement.

The majority of parents eagerly help in finding a positive way to change the negative behavior. Not many parents want their child to be excluded from future activities due to unruly behavior. But, then there are the “Not my child” Parents. Instead of trusting that my staff and I have already attempted many different versions of correcting the behavior, they blame something or someone else. Some prime examples are:

He is definitely teething so that’s why he keeps biting other children
She had a terrible sleep last night, so she is just grumpy
Are you sure it wasn’t the other child, he never does this at home
Did you give enough warnings?
Kids will be kids
I am sure he didn’t mean to do that
Did she eat enough lunch, she may just be “hangry”

There are many reasons why a parent would rather give excuses, including wanting to be perceived as a ‘friend’ by their child. Constantly trying to keep our children happy is a disservice to them, and seeking the child’s approval is tilting the scale in an undesirable way. Should a parent take on this role, you could unintentionally destroy their future by not addressing wrongdoings, and misdeeds. Children thrive on boundaries, they seek these limits by pushing the limits. Safety and trust that is developed by setting boundaries/rules helps give a child assurance, and alleviates anxiety. Children will continue to act out as they continue to distinguish right from wrong. If a child continues to act out without consequences, the misbehavior will continue to escalate. Excuses instead of addressing the issue increases the risk that the child may become unsafe towards other people, as well as themselves.

Skewing the lines between right and wrong creates anxiety. Giving excuses for their behavior, you are teaching your child to blame something or someone else for their situation. When the moral compass dips, misconduct becomes intensified. When parents/adults don’t take the time to work together the child learns how to pit people against each other.

Adults need to stop worrying about being the ‘bad cop’, and work on enforcing fundamental rules and limits in a firm but gentle manner. Have honest conversations with your child about behavioral issues. Find out if there is other reasons they are lashing out. Remembering the deed does not go unpunished, but with further understanding you can help your child develop better coping skills to handle future altercations better. Never be scared to seek professional help, especially if your child’s behavior is due to external factors, or if they are experiencing mental health issues/addiction, or learning disabilities.

In my daycare there has been moments that I have had to give parents an ultimatum. Either they help with reinforcing the rules set forth in the daycare at home, or we need to discuss parting ways. Physical violence, malicious/destructive behavior always has it’s consequences. With firm but loving guidance, parents and myself have found success in correcting most undesirable behavior. A united front helps offset anxiety, teaches a child to trust, and feel safe in their environment.

It is always in the parent’s and the child’s best interest to address any behavioral issue brought up by their peers and or other caregivers. A harmonious and united coalition sets the best most positive front. Anxieties in children can be diminished just by addressing set boundaries in childcare settings/classroom, and home. You are your child’s parent first, their friend second.

Natural/Logical Consequences

Natural/logical consequences, a way to teach responsibility.

Navigating the delicate balance of allowing children to learn from natural consequences versus intervening to prevent harm is a nuanced aspect of both childcare and parenting. While it’s instinctual to protect our children from all forms of discomfort, understanding when to step back and let natural learning moments unfold is essential. This approach fosters responsibility and helps children understand the impact of their actions in a safe environment.

For example, explaining the dangers of a hot stove and preventing a child from touching it demonstrates the importance of protective intervention. However, illustrating the concept of natural consequences through scenarios like experiencing hunger due to skipping a meal can be an effective learning tool. This method teaches children the direct outcomes of their choices, emphasizing the value of decision-making and follow-through.

In any childcare setting, consistency in discipline and the establishment of trust and respect are fundamental. Children need to know that the boundaries set by their caregivers are meant to guide them towards making positive choices. By allowing children to face the natural consequences of their actions, we give them the opportunity to learn from experience, provided these consequences do not pose any risk to their well-being.

Understanding the motives behind a child’s behavior—whether for attention, power, revenge, or due to feelings of inadequacy—is crucial in determining the appropriate response. Offering choices and following through with established consequences reinforces the lesson that every action has an outcome, encouraging children to make decisions that align with their best interests.

In my daycare, emphasizing the importance of “making good choices” and establishing clear expectations has proven to be effective. Simple rules, like cleaning up after playing or trying a bit of everything on their plate, are framed as opportunities to learn about responsibility, health, and safety. Ultimately, the goal is to assure children that the guidelines in place are for their benefit, nurturing a supportive environment where learning from natural consequences is part of growing up.

When busy is too busy

Down time is critical for all involved.

In today’s world, the pressures of a dual-family income and the rising cost of living are significantly impacting both parents and children. The pursuit of maintaining even a modest lifestyle is becoming increasingly challenging, with real estate, groceries, and utilities prices soaring. This financial strain contributes to the escalating mental health issues within family dynamics, affecting both adults and children. The luxury of having a stay-at-home parent is often sacrificed, leaving children yearning for more attention and time with their parents.

Many discussions I’ve had at my daycare revolve around parents grappling with their child’s unexpected behavioral changes—actions that signal a deeper need for attention and understanding. The rarity of downtime in our packed schedules, from work to extracurricular activities, leaves little room for families to simply enjoy being together. This constant rush inadvertently stresses children, mirroring the adult world’s pressures onto their young shoulders. The quest for balance becomes even more daunting when family members are seldom home simultaneously.

My personal journey as a parent and daycare provider taught me the importance of prioritizing positive interactions and quality time over the digital distractions that so easily consume our lives. Encouraging a “bored” child to engage in imaginative play outside or contribute to household chores can be incredibly beneficial, fostering independence and creativity away from the constant stimulation of electronics.

Children today exhibit more anxiety and sensory overload symptoms, often manifesting as erratic emotions or shortened attention spans. The convenience of digital devices as a form of entertainment only exacerbates this issue, leaving children in a loop of seeking external validation and stimulation. Recognizing the signs of a child merely needing attention, rather than diagnosing a clinical disorder, is crucial.

As parents, we must reassess our priorities, asking ourselves whether an overly scheduled life is truly beneficial for our children. Embracing moments of boredom, reducing reliance on electronics, and creating intentional family time can significantly alleviate the stress that permeates our homes. It’s a call to slow down and cherish the fleeting moments of childhood, finding joy in the simple act of listening to our children and being present in their lives.

Daycare Provider Support Groups

A much needed social setting for all in childcare

No one understands the unique dynamics that go into all versions of childcare, unless you work in the field it is easy to be naïve. Each new group of children brings about change. All the different parenting techniques become a melting pot in daycares/ day homes, but not always easily navigated. Respecting ethnic diversity, family complexity, in addition to disabilities, mental health, and addiction. The list of basic requirements in being a well rounded child care worker is a very long one.

Morale can take a hit across the board, whether there is one staff member or thirty. A feeling of isolation. Parents are only helpful with their own children, and usually in a hurry to either drop off or pick up their children. The social end of running a day home is dependent on either past relationships, families reaching out, or social groups beyond your day home/family responsibilities. It can be very difficult to want to “people” beyond the work day. I have come to realize how much my daily job affects my life. When my children were young it was easy to fill the void of a social life. Filling my day with my children’s activities, have the occasional conversation with people in the hockey arena, etc… But now that my children are older and have moved out, my circle of friends has become very small.

Not everyone wants to hear about how many diapers I changed, or who finally learned to tie their own shoes. There are always the comments of, “I don’t think I could do what you do on a daily”, to “I wouldn’t want your job”. Empathy is there, appreciation is definitely felt, but not enough to not feel withdrawn from society. Just like any profession unless you have a community to support the daily grind, it can be isolating. I am all for working from home, or with others. But I feel daycare workers, home based or center, need a support group.

We are a sought after, ridiculed, celebrated, and overlooked profession. Most (not all) childcare workers are underpaid, and over worked. From the in home daycares that work 40 plus hours a week (I currently work 50+ hours), to the early childcare workers in centers running on empty trying to keep up with the newest government requirements. Under a microscope constantly due to the fragility of our chosen profession.

People don’t understand the amount that it costs financially, mentally, and physically to properly operate a childcare facility. I, as well as “We”, are with children primarily during their most formative years. We are not just “watching children play all day”, and yes it is a “real job”. The incorrect association of identity and value contributes to a feeling of apathy at work, it also makes us early educators view ourselves poorly. Given that childcare is a field that is underappreciated, shifting our own personal opinion makes a world of difference. Support groups for the overall welfare of all of us is much needed, to help stop burnout, and to help us feel heard and valued.

How to find your Village

Building a community is a deliberate process.

Living in a world of over eight billion people, it is amazing how lonely it can be. Modern technology has afforded us the privilege of having the world at our fingertips, via our cell phones, television, computers, etc… But finding our “Village”, close personal connections with individuals is much more difficult. Advice is at our fingertips, recipes galore, how to parent our children, how to manage a household, so much wonderful information. Technology can increase feelings of isolation. It is difficult to parent young kids without your own community. Nothing replaces human connection.

Everyone, myself included, have become so incredibly busy we have forgotten the importance of reaching out. It is so easy to immerse ourselves into survival mode, that we forget that self care can involve laughing with a friend. So many of the families I encounter through my job no longer live near family, or extended family. The drive to find a good job can mean leaving all of our friends and family behind. I encourage engagement between like minded parents at drop off and pick up at my daycare. There are so many types of parents with different parenting styles that we can all learn from each other. Joining parent and tot groups are a wonderful way of meeting parents. But alas the key component to finding our village is being willing to reach out.

The diversity of our communities enables us to seek out positive role models, and like-minded families. Being up front and intentional can help develop organic friendships. Going to parks, community centers, schools, churches, but remembering to instigate conversation with your peers. It may seem impractical as a new parent to volunteer, but it is a great way to meet like minded individuals. I have encouraged parents to understand that sometimes finding time for themselves to develop friendships means making it a priority, an absolute necessity.

Don’t rush it. The building process takes time. Juggling parenthood can be overwhelming. But remember, your children gain so much by having other adults in their lives. Learning to trust and spend time with other families teaches our children about the value of maintaining positive friendships. Your village is out there, go out and find them. Live intentionally, you are worth it!

Supporting Parents with Unruly Children: A Compassionate Approach

It takes a village

It never fails to amaze me how quickly parents are to criticize others facing parenting challenges. Instead of opting for compassion, understanding, and extending support, it’s far too common to find parents judging or condemning those struggling with unruly children. The advice is plentiful, yet genuine assistance is often scarce. Criticism only serves to deepen the divide, leaving parents feeling isolated and unsupported.

In my daycare, I’ve created a haven of support, advice, and action plans for families grappling with these challenges. It’s not uncommon for parents to ask me how I manage to get their children to cooperate in ways they find elusive. My secret? A little village of support that includes not only the children but their parents as well. This communal approach teaches the children the value of supporting one another, both through actions and words, and extends this philosophy to their parents too. Once we all embrace the power of assistance and collaboration, navigating the complexities of parenting becomes significantly easier.

I’ve personally visited homes to aid parents in distress over their child’s behavior, fully aware that although it might inconvenience me, my support is invaluable to them. The mental health and safety of everyone involved is a priority, necessitating a vigilant eye for any signs of abuse or mental health struggles, without letting my generosity be taken for granted.

Much like children thrive when playing with their peers, parents too benefit from a supportive community. Learning from each other and accepting help is crucial. Recognizing your limitations and seeking help doesn’t diminish your quality as a parent.

Parenting is inherently challenging, more so when there’s a lack of consensus on discipline or care. A third-party perspective can offer a balanced approach or a new strategy, enhancing the family’s harmony. Our village includes family, friends, mental health professionals—anyone committed to the family’s well-being. Embracing shared responsibility in raising children shifts the narrative from indifference to collective action.

Finger painting, not for the faint hearted .

Fingerpainting can sometimes take on some dire consequences

Art is such a special form of expression. Children in my care begin expressing themselves through art very young, as young as one year old. From edible art, clay, to glue and glitter, and everything in between. All forms of art. However finger painting is a life force all on its own 🙂

Valentine’s day was on the horizon, and it has always been the practice of my day home to produce special crafts for special dates. This particular valentine’s day was no exception. This year my toddlers out weighed my older children. Trying to get my creative juices flowing I sat my children down to discuss what they would like to give their parents to show their love. They had dreams of grandeur, crafts far beyond their capabilities. Smiling, my heart was so happy to see their excitement, and watching them use their imagination. But alas a decision had to be made.

Finger painting felt like a really good solution, or so I thought. Little children wrapped in paint shirts, cups filled with all the colors of the rainbow ready for their little fingers. Large sheets of paper lined the table. My ingenious thought was to let them paint and then cut out hearts to make finger painted flowers. I prepped the children with a speech about paint being only on the paper, in addition to using one color at a time, wiping their hands in between colors as good as possible. Reminding them to not lick their fingers (yes they have done this in the past with other elements). Once everyone was settled I watched their creativity soar. Assuming I was safe to go to the bathroom (first mistake), only to hear an uproar of laughter. Rushing out, I discovered some of the paint pots had been spilled, and quickly became a huge mess.

Once I got the paint cleaned up, the children finished finger painting. I quickly realized that face cloths were not going to work to wash the paint off of little hands. Sending the older children to wash their hands independently (second mistake), resulted in a rainbow bathroom. Walls, sink, towels, all drenched in water downed paints.

Trying in vain to tidy up the bathroom and taking one toddler at a time to wash up was exhausting. I was definitely getting my steps in. I suddenly heard paper tearing, (my third mistake). The paper had started to dry and stick to the paper on the table. Everyone was trying to pick up their masterpieces and put them on the counter to continue to dry, leaving slices of their pictures stuck to other pieces of paper.

Finger painting was exhausting, but the finished product was stunning. Their little flower bouquets were received with much love from their parents. I still do finger painting, but I am much more experienced and well prepared when we take on such elaborate crafts.

To Share or not to Share

Do unto others as you would have done unto you.

Trying to bring balance in a room full of toddlers is like trying to count the hairs on your head. Not that peace cannot happen, but it is very difficult. We try to teach our children about the value of sharing. How good it feels to give instead of always receiving.

But alas children will take the idea of “sharing is caring”, and run away with it like a dog with his favorite bone. That term gets abused by little people who want what someone else has. Not that sharing isn’t encouraged, but patience is also necessary. Most, (not all), toddlers aren’t inherently greedy, but when they like something, they don’t want to share, especially if its a new toy or a favorite. The tough part in this situation is to try to figure out how to maintain harmony. The examples of how we overcame some of this adversity is as diverse as each child in our care.

The quiet child is taught to use their voice. They may be encouraged to say “No”, when they are not ready to share with a happy heart. Our quiet children aim to please their peers. Unfortunately some of the older children will take advantage of the more peaceful peers. Sometimes they will bully them into getting what they want. Using our voices is the best way to communicate our needs. Therefore if the quiet child says “no”, then we respect their decision. Allowing them the opportunity to gain self confidence and teach them control over choices. In addition they are not feeling pressured into giving things up before they are ready. Once a reasonable amount of time has passed, we will encourage even the quiet child to consider another toy so everyone gets a turn.

The “hoarder”, the child that wants every toy, including what other children have. This child needs to be taught to be happy with what they have. Easier said then done, but perseverance is key. To encourage someone to share who does not want to is a task of love and patience. Trying to showcase the gratitude given by peers when you share some of the toys should bring about a more willingness to part with hoarded toys. Teaching them that they don’t have to share everything, but they have to share some. Unfortunately sometimes it means also limiting the amount of toys this type of child is allowed to have. Not segregating them, but making sure more toys are available for the rest of the children to play with.

Then there is the child that always wants what someone else has. This child is not as easily taught to share, and harder to pacify with a different toy for obvious reasons. Sometimes they need to be given “alone time” at a table to curb their strong desire to continue to try to take toys away from someone else. Or a visual aid i.e: a timer, so they can patiently wait for a different toy. Harmony can be achieved by creating team play, like board games, Lego, and other interactive toys, to encourage sharing the same toys.

There are lots of books that can be read as well that can teach them the joy of sharing in a positive way. A favorite is a book called “You get what you get and you don’t get Upset” by Heath McKenzie, or “You get what you Get” by Julie Gassman.

The balancing act that comes from teaching all personality types about sharing in a timely and grateful way is definitely an art form. Sharing is caring when done in a respectful way.

Full Moon Madness

Full moons are not for the faint of heart 🙂

Anyone who does not believe in the effects of a full moon on people should visit a daycare on such a day. My daycare is not spared the side effects of this unfortunate monthly event. Children that normally are compliant show their mischievous side, from plugging the toilet, to suddenly not using indoor voices, or being violent with each other. Parents come in late, frazzled, and grateful to be leaving their children for the day. Perhaps it is just a coincidence that the toughest days land during a full moon. In addition, maybe we are just very aware of a full moon, so we are looking for trouble. A story that supports the theory was one of the most difficult days I had to endure.

A thunderstorm had settled in. The power kept shutting off intermittently. Children were suffering from cabin fever, and their parents were grumpy. Full moon fever had set in, and no one was happy. Trying to get through the day was already proving to be a heroic feat. No one liked snack. The story was boring. Everyone wanted to go outside and the weather was not cooperating. Attempting to do an organized game was too much for some of the children to understand. Toys were constantly being fought over. Frustrated, I knew I just had to get to “quiet time”, hoping to have some time to regroup and take a deep breath. Successfully getting through lunch time, and after washing everyone up, I got them all settled. Although taking more time than normal, I finally had a chance to sit.

I started planning my afternoon, hoping to survive the day. Suddenly my ears heard a giggle coming from one of the rooms a little one was napping in. Snapping my tired body into action I ran to the room, a little too late. Black (non-toxic) marker painted my daughter’s wall, and dresser. Somehow this child managed to reach up from her playpen and found a marker. My heart sunk. Getting her up, trying to clean up the mess, in addition to paying attention to the rest of the children was overwhelming. This child had never done something like this before, and her nap had never been less than two hours, today was 25 minutes 🙁 . Once I got her cleaned, and tried to settle her, the rest of the kids were already getting restless again.

Bringing everyone to the table to make play dough seemed like a good way to keep everyone in place and entertained. Getting all the ingredients together, allowing the children to pick out the new colors, smiles were finally forming. Mixing the dough, explaining to the kids that I was putting flour in front of them so they could further mix the dough. Turning my back to grab the new play dough provided them enough time to all blow their flour everywhere.

Bringing out the big Lego for the kids to play with normally brings about peace. Lego got jammed into a heating vent. Everyone wanted the Lego other kids were playing with. I had to put them away. We tried dancing, hoping to get rid of energy. No one liked the song, nor could they agree on one to dance to. I brought out the puzzles, just for them to bend and break the pieces. Then we took a big deep breath, attempting yoga and exercises’ for the kids, for everyone to just complain. Taking the time between each task to ask them what they want to do, only for them to say, “I don’t know”, followed by, “We’re bored”.

Parents ran late picking up their children. Children got impatient waiting for their parents. Ending the day with fighting, crying, and no one getting along, the day slowly waned to an end. I survived, barely 🙂

Where did the time go?

From the first day to the last day, my job is a labor of love.

My day home has had the rare fortune of being able to be a part of a lot of long term families. From the tired first time parents dropping off their baby, on their first day back to work, hiding their tears in the entrance. To the sad goodbyes when their children head into school full time, as I stand hiding my tears in the entrance.

Children have always fascinated me with their resilience, they are such amazing little humans. One of the families I did child care for was a part of my every day for over 13 years. Their children, all very different individuals, were such a delight to my day. From the oldest with his quiet demeanor, the middle child a very outspoken fire cracker, to the youngest, the perfect mix of his siblings. We grew together, jumping through good times and bad. Overcoming obstacles to help all of us grow into a tight daycare family. The youngest child stands out most for me due to his undiagnosed autism, (his diagnosis didn’t happen until he was in full time school). His parents were in denial, but I did my research so I could give him the best head start I could.

Some of my favorite memories of this child include his love of music, his heartwarming smile, love of art, hugs received when he was feeling accomplished, and his patience. Every time we reached a milestone that was tough to get to, we would have a little dance party. From discovering ways to get past aversions to texture (ie: mashed potatoes, apple sauce, etc..), to defeating toilet training in under 3 months. Teaching him tolerance to loud noises and other children. In his own way he taught me so much as well. The biggest lesson he taught me was in order to teach a child, I had to learn the child’s needs, get past myself, and understand the importance of laughter. His laughter will always live in my heart 🙂

Early intervention, and patience paid off. Before he entered mainstream school, he could print his name, knew his colors/numbers/letters/shapes, his early education on par with his peers. In addition, but most important, he knew how to communicate his need for space, how to accept physical contact,(he was not always willing to allow other children to be in his “bubble”), and so much more. The other children learned tolerance, acceptance, and how to fully respect personal space. He was the best learning curve for all of us. The magic of learning how to teach him is still part of my curriculum. His presence was so good for all of us.

It did take a few years for the school to approach the family on getting him assessed, even longer to get the diagnosis, but he continued to develop. After the diagnosis, his Education Assistant (with his parents permission), approached me about his early education, praising my day home for his early successes. She was excited to learn how to approach him in a way he didn’t feel threatened by, and how to help him with accepting her guidance. This moment made me feel like a superhero.

I shared with her all of my tricks and his reward system, everything I could think of. She asked me what helped me to see his diagnosis, and I explained everything I’d seen. Sometimes he didn’t want to walk, or walked on tip toes, cupped his ears to sudden sounds, lacked eye contact, repeated movements, and had delayed language development. Explaining to her that with all children, I watch for milestones. When he wasn’t reaching his I decided to keep a diary of his development. Taking the time to include all of his magnificent attributes that needed no correction. It was not difficult to see who he was, as he spent a great deal of time with me. Giving all of my information to her helped me continue to be a part of his future achievements. That made me feel valued.

It was rewarding to be a part of this little person’s life, something I didn’t take lightly. When we would go outside, he could sit for hours watching the clouds go by, or inspecting ladybugs. He had a quiet calm about him, teaching all of us about the importance of silence. Now don’t get me wrong, he was verbal, but he had this way of knowing when quiet was more important than words. The way he would go about helping me learn how to help him develop was amazing as well. Walking was when he was ready, looking at me he grabbed my hands to stand up and slowly, trusting his own little body, he started to take steps. The way his little body could easily pick up the rhythm of music as he would dance. Singing made up songs about his environment, his friends, even his favorite foods. His smile was very infectious, and he liked to help with the babies as he got older, being very gentle. Praise was easily received, from a fist bump, high five, to the special hugs when he was very excited.

To this day, this child is still a big part of my heart. Although he has grown up and thrives in his new environment, with Graduation on his horizon, he will always be my little boy. Looking back I often think to myself, “Where did the time go?”.