One of the best lessons I ever learned, and share daily with parents, is to validate emotions like sadness and anger. Talk about how they are feeling, deep breathing, a hug, simple gestures. When a child is acknowledged by an adult, they feel seeable, hearable, and understandable. They learn better how to use their words to express themselves.
Depending on the situation, there are numerous ways to help children understand their emotions and how to express themselves in a more productive way.
In this blog I would like to focus on anger.
Anger in a child is a very deep, raw feeling. Anger is not easily understood by young minds, hence they can react poorly. Some children will cry uncontrollably, some will lash out physically harming themselves and/or others. No matter how a child acknowledges this emotion, self control needs to be imposed. Don’t get me wrong, I understand anger, but a child’s anger can be masking a different emotion, or need. Teaching communication, and self regulation, is critical when children are young.
Deep breathing, punching a pillow, coloring or drawing a picture, crying, whatever helps them release the emotion and calms their mind. Then help them try to find words to express why they are angry. Personally, when I have felt overwhelmed with the daycare, I set an example. Calling attention to how I am feeling, what caused my anger/frustration, and showing them how I help myself become calm. Many times they will join me in deep breathing, emulating the behavior I want from them :).
Children can have “Bad” days too, honestly not knowing why they feel grumpy. They just do, and that’s okay. Create a safe space for them to just be, feel, and breath. Words of affirmation, for example, ” I know you are grumpy, I feel grumpy sometimes too. Is there something I can do to help you?”, or “When we are not feeling gentle, and need to get our rough out, would you like to play with playdough?” Acknowledge, and help if wanted. Understand sometimes children don’t know why they feel angry. As a result change will happen, teaching behavior modification through action, mindfulness, and affirmation, which teaches self regulation.
As a parent try to find triggers, stay calm, praise positive behavior, and try to remain consistent. Set rules, set consequences, and don’t give in. Remember if anger is in the form of a temper tantrum over wanting something you’re not willing to give, and you give in, your teaching them that that behavior works. It’s all a balancing act.