Many parents don’t realize how much their children see, or how much burden their little minds can carry. The stories children have told me over the years about things happening at home. Some stories have resulted in hugs, and deep conversations. Arguing in front of your child is not necessarily a bad thing, they can learn conflict resolution if done right. Never call each other hurtful names, or use curse words during an argument especially if your child is present. Your children will emulate your anger when they have disagreements with you, so teach them how to be “just” in your arguments. In addition, parents crying can teach them sympathy and compassion. There are numerous reasons we shed tears, use your words when you can to explain simply “why”. Showing “big” emotions at home can be a positive experience, if done right.
My own children got to witness my spouse and I in heated discussions. Not always as positive of an experience as I would have preferred, but they learned everyone has a limit and how we handled it. Learning that you can “Agree to disagree”. They also learned that sometimes you just have to walk away until anger subsides. Trying to shelter children away from adversity is not productive. Home should be a safe place, emotions shown, and then taught how to be regulated. In addition, the outside world is very different and not all people are raised the same, having different ways of coping with emotion. Teaching the negative in a positive way is the best course of action. Emotional strength, being able to understand when someone is being irrational, does not mean you have to be.
The strength to walk away. Humility to know when to ask for help, and teach them it is okay to ask for help by showing it through our actions. No one can know happiness without knowing sadness, same for joy and anger. Teach by example. Children have learned trust in knowing how to view my own emotions. I teach through words and actions. As an example: A brand new toy was broken, and I was visibly upset. The child in question asked me if I was mad at him, my response was very calculated, “No, I am very disappointed that the rules were broken. My feelings are hurt that you didn’t respect this toy, and now we will have to replace it. Now everyone will have to be patient until I can get a new one. I am sad that not everyone had a chance to play with it.”
Don’t cry over spilled milk, but you can be disappointed 🙂 Anger can hurt our feelings, but it does not have to define the rest of our day. Being mindful in our environment and aware of those around us will teach children how our own behavior effects those around us. Be intentional with our actions as much as possible, children are watching.
Here are some resources that may help teaching your children how to handle their emotions.